My Jenny Lynn,
I remember when we got borded and passed notes to each other in church, I remember as roommates we left them on the fridge or on our bedroom door. Then as we got older, got married and the miles between us grew we texted, Facebook messaged and posted on each others timeline almost everyday. But This one will be the hardest letter I will ever write.
It has been 1279 days since we last messaged. That last message to you plays on repeat in my head. I told you to get some rest and I will call you tomorrow. I forgot to say I love you, God what a stupid thing to do. How could I forget to tell you that? What’s worse is I don’t have an excuse as to why I didn’t call you or text like I said I would. I wasn’t busy, I was home all day and I didn’t forget. I just didn’t think about it. I took for granted that you would be there whenever I got around to it.
It was 1:07 am when I got the call that you took your own life. The sound that came from me will forever haunt my Husband. He said he could literally hear me heart brake and feel a part of my soul die. You left with no explanation as to why. I have obsessed over searching for that note from you. I just can’t bring myself to believe you didn’t leave one. That you didn’t think of leaving me a message, email or even an anonymous post on the internet somewhere. I haven’t found one yet but some part of me will never give up looking.
My Family and Friends tell me "Things will get better" I have a difficult time believing them, Heck you didn't believe them either. I know they are trying to help, but sometimes their words just aren’t right, so I just don’t talk about it. I don’t mean to not keep your memory alive or seem unaffected by your absence. I just don’t know how to accept other people’s comfort when I don’t feel the comfort. To know that you didn’t have any one to comfort you or that you weren’t comfortable enough to tell me you were hurting, hurt me the most.
I still see things I want to show you, and I still have those moments that I grab my phone to text you when something mundane happens. Not a day goes by that I don't miss you, I understand your choice, I just don't understand why you chose it. I’m trying not to think of the “what-ifs” I want to focus more on the “because-ofs”
*Because of you I had amazing adventures
*Because of you I became me
*Because of you I know what it is to be truly altruistic.
*Because of you I know what unconditional love feels like.
Please, Know your Love has deeply changed me more than any man I have ever met.
I miss you. I miss texting you about every single stupid thing that happens in my life. I miss the way people would ask me where you were when you weren’t with me because it was a known fact that we were a packaged deal. I miss laughing with you (at you) and all of our inside jokes. I miss looking over at you and knowing exactly what you are thinking. I miss the way you used to fill me in on what the Cats did that day. I miss knowing that at the end of the day I had you, that when push came to shove, no matter how bad the situation might be, I knew you would be there. I miss my guiding light, my other half and my platonic soulmate But Most of all I miss my best friend.
I love you always and until now I couldn’t even admit this to myself but I forgive you. Forever and Always,
Your Anjee Ellen