Thoughts thrashing around in my head,
Memories I do not wish to forget,
I reach for my pad to jot them down,
It's been a long time since you've been around.
A beautiful baby boy, blonde hair, blue eyes,
One look and you had us all mesmerised,
A brother to Lisa you both grew close, tight knit,
You laughed together, cried together,
All the time thinking you had forever and ever.
From Boy to Man you made your Mum and family proud.
Our feelings though weren't always expressed loud.
As you grew older your smiles grew more rare;
Your eyes began to dim.
We should have known you were struggling to swim; against the tide
Your true feelings, from us, you decided to hide.
Schizophrenia was the diagnosis
You tried hard to fight it
The illness got the better of you
That much is true
The day we lost you was a mixed day of grey and dark blues.
In your less than thirty years, you endured much pain and suffering.
If only we had known;
We would have banded together, never let you suffer alone.
Your candle extinguished this world in June 2011.
Free from pain and suffering, the Lord called you to join him in Heaven.
That day, it was as if someone turned out the lights, the joy left the room too.
There is now nothing, where once there was you.
Two months later the occasion? your 30th Birthday.
Your family gathered to wish you Happy Birthday, release balloons and scatter your remains.
Now once a year we gather again;
At a beautiful place where once you had surfed.
We walk and talk, eat cake and sing;
It's a beautiful day of a family gathered, remembering.
It still hurts to think you left us so young.
Now we know your life here on earth caused you unknown amounts of pain.
I think of you and wish you peace when the sky is grey, and it starts to rain;
I think of you and wish you peace when the Sun is in the sky;
I think of you sitting on a cloud, cigarette in hand, the life, heart and soul of the Heavenly Band.
I take a while to remember the blonde hair, blue eyed little boy with the big smile from ear to ear.
Always longing that you were of course, still here.
Wherever you are in the universe,
I sit wishing the wheels would reverse,
So much to tell you, I wish we could have one more converse(ation).
I would tell you about your Cousins, Simon, Jason and Sophie ;
How settled they all are; both boys married with families, Sophie will be married and a Mum soon.
The day I lost my Dad I thought of you; I know my Dad would find you and give you a special hug.
A hug we should have given you when you were still with us.
Oh, and I’m an Author and Poet now, who knew;
We were going to lose you so soon;
We would have done things so differently, made changes, been around.
Held you like you needed to be held and helped you to feel safe and sound.
Forgive us darling for not loving you as you deserved, thinking we had time before you became deceased.
Wherever your soul has settled; we wish you an endless life of love and peace.
Don't take it for granted that there's always more time, one day there won't be. My nephew Shane lost his struggle with life in June 2011, he didn't overdose, he just didn't look after himself too well. I wish I had paid more attention to his struggles whilst he was with us. I loved that blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy, I hope he knew.